1.1.2016

Spent the first day of 2016 with baby brother. The strongest and the most patient person on earth. The cleverest among us siblings too. 

You will get there Syamim. Slowly but surely, Insya Allah. I never skip praying for you brother, you are among my priorities. May Allah ease your journey and we will always be there for you. 

  

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Goodbye 2015

It’s the last day of 2015.

2015 has been nothing but hectic and fruitful. Thank you Allah for granting us health and patience to keep going. Thank you Allah for turning our dreams into reality. Most of all, thank you Allah for giving us life to live and experience 2015. We have grown in so many ways, at least that’s what I believe.

There’s no break before entering 2016. ha ha. This precious list has been lining up for me to tick “Done” next to every item. It’s going to be a very busy 2016 and I can only hope we can handle the stress and hiccups (if any). Insyaallah things will fall into the right place.

As usual, I don’t have any resolutions because I learn that life would be easier if you see things in the present and work from there. Of course this is just me. Someone used to say imagine if you have music notes on your fingers. You have to choose what song you want to play and press the notes. Same goes to life, you just need to know which “notes” to press and I think it makes sense.

So here’s to 2016, may we grow wiser, happier and healthier. Insyaallah.

What do you do

Just read Vivy’s post on working mother and everything she wrote there perfectly captures what I feel as a working mom. 

But most of the time it’s not really about being a stay at home or working mother. It’s about what do you do as a parent in raising your child. I recently had a conversation with my spouse (it wasn’t a conversation where you properly sit down with cup of coffee in hand, it was a quick spontaneous one. That’s how we roll) and I told him that I noticed we said “No” quite a lot to our daughter. I think he kinda agreed with me on that. 

Simultaneously, I questioned myself  “But if she did somehing which is dangerous like trying to put poisoineous cream into her mouth, takkan I cannot say No?? Takkan I have to say “go ahead and try, see whether you like it or not”. Truth be told, most of the situations we had to say No to involved a stunt act of our daughter. No joke. She is way too independent for her age. Even her teacher told me that they need to constantly remind her that it’s ok to ask for help. There was this one time where she pooped and I was in the kitchen. I wouldnt have noticed she had gone to the loo by herself if not for the half naked situation (she was standing in front of the tv, without pants and I swear I just helped her to put on her pants like 5 mins ago). Of coz she didn’t wash (gross visualization, warning. But this is what a parent does) and when I entered the toilet, her stool was in the bowl. What if she falls into the bowl?? her potty cover was not fixed to the bowl! (Potty trained, checked. Life after potty train, no comment, God be with us) This is just among the many situations we had to deal with. 

Some said you have to say No “impliedly”. No is a negative word. Heck, my brain somehow was unable to formulate genius, motivational sentence which is equivalent to saying No. Especially in emergency situation or simply in a situation when I am dead tired. Some said sometimes you have to let loose and let the kids experience thing. To some extent I agree with that but in certain situation it just doesn’t work that way. 

Different kids act different way, hence you can’t apply the same formula. I don’t know what is the best way but what I know is I am trying my very best to raise our daughter. I’m sure the same goes to you. Honestly sometimes I have no clue in what I was doing. At times I feel like crying praying to God to grant me instant wisdom so that I know what to do in certain situations.But it is what it is. Parenthood itself is a life. You are bound to make mistakes. Instead of becoming “know it all” parent, I think I’d rather be the one who keeps on learning from the mistakes and the one who keeps on improving. There’s no black and white formula, certainly there isn’t. 

Too bad guys, this parenthood thingy, it’s on you. May the force be with us! 

  
– hubs trying to put some sense into our daughter’s head. all the best ha ha

The Move

I haven’t had the time to gather my thoughts to enable me to compose a good post. In fact most of my entries here were drafted as and when I received “revelation”, which of course only came once or twice every half a year. So writers, you guys are fantastic. Your train of thought is definitely something to be envious of.

It’s December. Yes it’s that time of the year and no, I haven’t received that revelation. But a good number of things had happened within this year which trigger me to put them in writings.

I finally decided that a career change is something that I need to slash out from the aging list of mine. I have been accepted to join this new organisation and it has been a month since I started at this new place. It was not an easy decision especially when you had served the old one for almost 7 years. Particularly so when you are talking about quitting your first job. I met wonderful people along the way, whom some of them have become my close friends and I was blessed to be given the opportunity to work with capable bosses. It is also the job that shaped me into the person I am today, a certified adult. I learned about responsibilities, about making mistakes and owning up to the same. It is also the job through which I learned that people are bound to disagree with you and you have to accept that sometimes your ways are not necessarily the best. It is also the job that taught me that it is not always about reward. It is also about improving yourself and putting your best into the works. It made me believe that I am worthy of something. Because of this first job I learned how it feels like to earn my own money and to endure the pain of having to choose whether to spend or to save when you really want something. I mean come on, 25 years old with cash in hand what do you expect? Above all this I met my husband and we have our daughter,the most precious gift that perhaps I would not own if I didn’t have my first job (what if I were to work in the states? I could have met some Abercrombie&Fitch model and married him, who knows right!)

I could have stayed. I became very comfortable to the extent that the mere thought of starting new seemed very daunting. That’s typical if you have been at one place for quite sometimes. But your heart knows when something is not for you especially if you are talking about long terms. The difficult part is letting go of something so familiar, letting go of that comfort zone.Nonetheless, if I don’t try now I know I will never do it. Opportunity came, though it’s not something you really want but it’s good enough to move you to make that first step – GET OUT. So I did and Alhamdulillah. It would be a lie if I say I don’t miss my first job but life goes on.

I don’t know what’s waiting ahead of me career wise but one thing for sure, I am always interested to learn and that spirit will never die as long as I live. InsyaAllah.

So 2016, please be good to me and wonderful family of mine.

Life Changing Event

Single:

I can do whatever I want

I can do whatever I want

I can do whatever I want

Married without kids:

You can’t just think about yourself

You can’t simply do whatever you want

A lot of communications

Patience, tolerance, understanding are like everyday mantra 

You have someone to rely on

You don’t come home alone

You don’t have to go to cinema alone. More midnight movies

Traveling is more fun

You have someone to cook for other than yourself

May find it a bit difficult to get time off, you know family thingy, wedding invitation etc

Starting to hang out less with your girlfriends 

Married with kids:

Anything about you comes last

8.30am is the latest you can wake up

NO time off

You think toilet is the loneliest place? not when you have kids. 

walking around town with smell of vomit is NORMAL

You have list of things you need for yourself but end up buying for the kids

NO cinema

NO tv on weekdays

You feel like your friends are slowly abandoning you

Your social media is full with pics of your kid

First one to wake up last one to sleep

house looks like a shipwreck 

Petite cute handbag/crossbody? hell NO. 

more love, kisses, cuddles, laughters 

feels like God has given you a chance to make everything right again

Things you wish you could change:

NOTHING 

NIKMAT

Resuming work after a week hiatus is not something absorbing because you have lost that momentum you had before leaving for your break. It means “let’s start all over again” and that feeling SUCKS big time.

I just returned from Eid holidays about two  weeks ago and the feeling was still the same. Mundane. I always have that permanent ancillary job (in my head) each time I have to go back to work i.e housewife. Don’t ever get me wrong, I am not saying being a housewife is easy but the thought of not being stuck in the office from 9-6 and not having to deal with certain difficult people who don’t matter in your life is very very pleasant.

Nevertheless, this year’s Eid celebration is totally different than what I normally had in the past. It has taught me the meaning of NIKMAT which I always take for granted. Humans tend to want more without realising that what we have is actually the best reward that we should appreciate and enjoy. It’s good to dream more if it acts as a motivator for you to work harder but if it refrains you from being content, you need to relook at how you perceive NIKMAT.

Alhamdulillah, my youngest brother had been discharged from hospital after 8 months of stay in acute/stroke ward. Allah is indeed the greatest and most merciful. It was a heart wrenching journey for our family and by far the most excruciating test set upon my brother and us as a family. My brother had been diagnosed with encephalomyelitis (AHEM), also known as acute haemorrhagic leukoencephalitis. It wasn’t a simple diagnosis. Doctors went from Meningitis to Meningoencephalitis to Sepsis to Autoimmune and to AHEM. Basically it involves bacterial/virus infection but unfortunately for my brother, the doctors until today couldn’t identify what sort of bacteria/virus that caused the infection. My brother was a healthy, smart young boy with a promising career ahead of him. He just graduated from medical school and about to start his housemanship when things started to fall apart. He went into coma for more than 50 days and I still remember receiving calls from the hospital for numerous times informing us that it might be our brother’s last moment. Sleepless nights, tearful days, traveling back and forth from home to hospital , taking turns among the siblings to be at the hospital were something which I can never erase from my memory. Watching my parents crying in sadness and frustration was another thing. To hear them saying to my brother, “Syamim, Syamim anak yg baik, tak pernah buat salah dekat Pa dan Ma. Syamim anak bongsu tapi tak pernah menyusahkan Pa dan Ma…” was very hurtful. It was utterly heart-breaking and I wish I could take away the pain from them. Looking at my other brothers sobbing their heart out was so painful coz I never saw them crying at their age. In fact I forgot when was the last time I saw them crying. Everything was just bitter. But one thing I know for sure, we were there. All of us were there, stood there as one family. No matter how different our opinions could be sometimes, we were there as ONE FAMILY. 

Today, my brother is able to speak, his breathing is stronger and to date he no longer needs to depend on oxygen support. He could sit (with support) on the wheelchair longer than before. His upper abdomen is getting stronger. Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah. My brother is the strongest person I ever know. His will to fight through this battle is mind-blowing. The Doctors who were/are treating him told us that part of the reasons why my brother could make it this far is because of his strong willpower. Until today they are still saying “your brother is a fighter” and they were right. He is a fighter. My brother is still in recovery period and I hope one day Allah will grant him a full recovery and reward him with what He thinks is the best for my brother.

This year’s Eid means a lot because my brother is home. His recovery process has been nothing but positive and my parents no longer need to travel back and forth to hospital everyday. Conversations with my brother become more meaningful these days. He said maybe Allah wanted him in this condition so that he will always remember Allah and will never miss out his prayers. He told me that he promised to Allah he would never tinggal solat. It breaks my heart no doubt but at the same time I felt grateful because Allah has embellished my brother’s path with such clarity that sometimes even a normal healthy people like me doesn’t get. My brother reminded me that the biggest NIKMAT comes in a small form of privilege. For my brother, being able to eat is the biggest NIKMAT. Now that he can’t really eat (not yet), he realized how big is NIKMAT boleh makan.

Frankly speaking, I never saw this youngest brother of mine cries except when he was a small kid. But this year’s Eid just broke that record. He cried when he salam mom. He told us “I don’t know how I made it this far but I am sure it’s because of my family. I am very thankful to all of you. I love you..” Allah has definitely given us a wonderful family. No second thought on this..

So, for all that Allah has given me – I am utterly content. I am grateful that He has given me nikmat more than I ever need. Syukur

  
May Allah grant you mercy, strength and patience Syamim. We love you. 

Stepmom for the night

Yesterday Mr. Boss was working late. So I decided to drive straight to mall from work with the little one for two main reasons: get her hair chopped and dinner. I am not going to elaborate on what happened during the hair cutting ceremony. It was bumpy, that’s all I’m going to say.

We then headed to our usual hang out spot and there were number of kids playing at the kids corner. Their mothers were nicely sitting at the dining area, chit chatting with each other whilst enjoying the food and drink. That’s the whole point of coming to a kid friendly restaurant, you can have a win-win situation. You will be able to relax and enjoy your food and your kids can enjoy themselves at the play area. Wallah! 

BUT, let me tell you this. Going to a kid friendly restaurant does not exonerate your duty as a parent. It does not mean you can just turn your back and choose to let your kids do whatever they want at the play area. That is what I call an act of selfishness. You still need to exercise parental control especially when your kids seem to get a bit out of hand. The play area is meant to be shared. There are other kids who would like to play as much as your kids and mothers/fathers/parents who would love to have some quality time, eating their dinner peacefully.

The mothers who I mentioned earlier have become my case study. The kids were terrorizing the play area, banging the toys, grabbing things harshly. But I did not hear a single word from the moms. I was expecting simple things like “do not bang”, “be gentle”. No, nothing was uttered. It was like watching bumper cars you normally see at fun fair. Kids are kids. Can’t blame them. But as a parent, you must know when to exercise control. My daughter couldn’t even play the toys at first because almost everything was taken away. So I decided to become their foster step mother ha ha. Thank god my table was just two steps away from the play area and I could see every single thing. I went there and looked into the boys eyes and say “share please”. The good boys listened and shared the toys. Easy peasy. My daughter is like them too, she can be aggressive at times and it’s very difficult for her to share. Kids. But like I said, do your part as a parent and CONTROL!!

Yes I was able to eat my dinner AND I was always on guard but from appropriate distance 😉